Laughing Sober

Written by: KG

I look back at the decade-plus of inebriation and am often left with the feeling of shame and regret. I can see the exact moments that led me to my drinking and I still can’t tell you why the answer was to drink.

When I was in my late teens I had still never drunk a beer. I was actually quite against it. I had many friends that started to party and because I didn’t party, I had lost touch with. It hurt me. I didn’t think, “It's their mistake”, I thought “What did I do, or what can I do?” So I finally gave in. After many lonely weekend nights, I found myself surrounded by “friends”. Happy people hugging and laughing, sharing stories, feelings, all so happy to be there. I found myself enriched with new relationships, things to do, people to see. I had completely switched my life upside down. I was finally the life of the party!

But after everyone passed out, the party stopped, people walked home. I was awake, alone, with no party, with nothing. My life became the guy waiting for the next good time. I was always waiting for the next party. It was the only thing I had that I felt let me laugh, let me be stupid. After all, that's who I had become, all party clown. I did this for too many years, from 19 years old until my early thirties. It wasn’t until I was faced with the consequence of potentially losing my marriage did I finally wake up. Waking up in the middle of the road unable to speak or walk, blacking out somewhere and not knowing where I was, using alcohol as a crutch to be social. None of that was worth losing me or my wife. On top of that, I forgot how to laugh. Not as clown me but as ME. I no longer knew how to participate in life without drinking. I didn’t wait for the party anymore. My life was the party and I had to drink. I saw all this more clear when I became sober. 

One day, I woke up hungover knowing that I was finally done. I felt it in my body. I never wanted to drink again. Not long after my birthday, my wife's birthday was on the horizon. I had recently reached rock bottom and was in the darkest depression of my life. I had moved away from my family and lifelong home. On a late August night, after the another party ended and I was all alone, I attempted suicide. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time, but it had to be the last time. Two weeks later I took my last sip of alcohol. I had seen the end of my marriage and potentially my life. If that's not a wake-up call, I don’t know what is.

Being sober wasn’t hard, but the adjustment wasn’t easy. I had to re-learn how to have fun, how to be social, how to be open and authentic. Those things came easy when drunk, but incredibly exhausting sober. After months of forcing myself to relearn these things, I finally got the hang of it. I don’t believe I’ll ever be truly comfortable in many of life's situations and that's okay. It's okay to feel things, its okay to be unsure, to be scared. Those things can teach us. I learned more about myself than I ever imagined when sober. But most importantly I learned how to laugh again. I'm over 3 years sober now with no intention to return to the lifestyle I once had. My physical health has improved immensely as well as my emotional health. Things can get dark and out of control, but life can return to its most beautiful state. You loving you is all it takes.